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Stacy Feiner

Rachel Wallis Andreasson

This is the first half of a two-part article. 

Introduction
This essay explores the evolving dynamics of modern marriage, particularly when the wife is the primary or sole source of wealth. Drawing on "The Sixth Level" framework, it unpacks the emotional and psychological toll outdated gender norms exert on relationships, especially among high-functioning couples.

The core assertion is that the relationship is not the problem – external social scripts are. By surfacing, naming, and replacing these scripts with a relational code of conduct grounded in mutuality, ingenuity, justness, and intrinsic motivation , couples can construct emotionally fulfilling partnerships that transcend traditional expectations and thrive in the face of complexity.

Current state
At a recent conference, a group of high net worth women were discussing how to navigate the dynamics in a relationship where the woman is the primary source of wealth. “It seems the more success I achieve, the more it creates an underlying tension. At a time when we should be thriving, I feel an undercurrent of jealousy and insecurity from my partner,” stated Claire. 

The tension in relationships like this one is not a flaw in either partner, but rather a signal that old norms no longer serve them. When couples recognize that the problem lies in the social expectations they’ve inherited – not in one another – they can begin to reengineer their dynamics. What emerges is often a more conscious, respectful, and fulfilling version of partnership – one based on possibility, partnership and care.

The number of women who earn equal or more to their partners has tripled over the past 50 years. In 1972, only 5 per cent of women were the sole or primary breadwinner. That number has climbed to 16 per cent of households by 2022. As women moved into the workforce, the status quo of men being the primary breadwinner five decades prior has shifted to less than a quarter of households supported solely by a male breadwinner. 

Historically, wives of wealthy husbands have often felt that they were not included in money decisions, that there was a weak partnership, and that they felt low self-esteem. In that regard it may be no surprise that it may be the same for husbands of wealthy wives. Men, in general, can experience psychological distress related to their identification with masculine roles and expectations which are built on traditional gender norms. Societal shifts can challenge these norms and lead to feelings of being threatened. 

Research suggests that men who conform to traditional masculine norms, particularly those related to the value of self-reliance, and having power over women may have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and stress. Husbands in marriages where women have significantly more economic power than their husbands can be deeply socially stigmatized, especially by other men. 

This financial shift in the makeup of households has necessitated a need to recast our definitions of partnership and how we look at the impact of finances on power. That starts with exposing and naming the unspoken rules surrounding gender and power. 

Whether the wife has earned wealth, family wealth or inherited wealth, the challenges and insights explored in this essay apply equally. The source of wealth does not alter the fundamental impact that entrenched social norms and expectations have on the marital dynamic. What matters most is how couples understand and respond to these forces – together.

The silent strain: Navigating power in modern partnerships

Part 1: Impact of invisible norms
“I grew up in a family where men were taught to provide and protect their families. I never thought my value to provide would not be needed. If I’m being honest, I feel unimportant – even though I have a good business I started years ago. But compared to my wife’s wealth, it feels insignificant. Because of this, I don’t have a place in my marriage,” said Daniel.

Daniel and Claire are not alone. Wealth creates a unique set of power dynamics in any relationship – but when the financial majority resides primarily with the wife, traditional assumptions about masculinity and marriage are often exposed. In Daniel’s case, his identity as a husband and man is quietly eroded by the sense that his financial contribution is insignificant. It may further be enflamed by comments from peers like, “You sure married well.” Or “Do you need to ask your wife before you make that decision?”

In our interview, Claire saw it differently: “I fell in love with Daniel because of his work ethic, his love of family, and his strength. I respect him. I appreciate him. I want him to be my partner in managing the wealth we have and making decisions that impact each other and our family. I cannot understand what is holding him back.”

The emotional gap between them isn’t rooted in a lack of love or goodwill. It’s the result of invisible rules – norms that quietly shape how power and value are assigned in intimate relationships based on who is providing the lion’s share of wealth. It is more problematic when the main provider is the woman, although we acknowledge the solutions we suggest would work in cases where the situation is reversed, or where only one partner is providing financial support.

These norms are subtle, often unspoken. They whisper that husbands should be providers and protectors, and wives should be in need of being cared for. Even when we believe we have outgrown these ideas, they persist in our subconscious and influence how we interpret our roles and each other.

The stress this creates is real – and often unacknowledged. Daniel’s discomfort doesn’t stem from a lack of capability. It comes from the internal conflict between who he is and who he believes he’s supposed to be. In psychological terms, he feels diminished and, at times, infantilized, like his role has been quietly erased.

Many high-functioning men in this position experience a quiet crisis of identity. The pressure doesn’t come from their partners, but from a social script they’ve absorbed since boyhood.

This triad of male identity, the 3 Ps, as they are known – to Procreate, Provide, and Protect – is deeply entrenched. Gender studies scholar Michael Kimmel has written extensively on how these roles serve as benchmarks of manhood . Anthropologist David Gilmore’s cross-cultural research reinforces this, revealing that in nearly every culture, masculinity is measured through this very framework .

These academic frameworks help explain why highly competent, successful men can still feel powerless in their own marriages. It's not about logic. It’s about the emotional weight of a role they were taught to embody.

Part 2: Redefining power and partnership
Even if Claire places no pressure on Daniel, the system does. He admits to feeling irrelevant in financial decisions, unsure how to assert himself, and quietly inadequate. Many men in similar situations mask their distress through overachievement or emotional withdrawal – grappling with a need to prove their worth in more traditionally masculine ways.

What makes this even more complex is that in elite social circles, patriarchy isn’t just present – it’s performative. Appearances matter. Roles are watched. And the subtle cues of status carry weight. When a man no longer fits the archetype of “provider,” he may start to feel diminished in the eyes of other men because he is not filling his societally prescribed part in the relationship. That belief – “I am not needed” – slowly chips away at his sense of belonging and purpose, especially if there’s no space to process or name what he’s feeling.

But this emotional complexity isn’t a personal flaw. It’s the inevitable result of a system that defines worth through outdated ideals.

How do we move beyond the limiting expectations of the 3 Ps toward something sustainable, something healthy – like Partnership?
It starts with having the courage to speak openly about the invisible forces shaping committed relationships. By acknowledging the weight of these norms, couples can begin to reshape them – and build something more intentional in their place. Something rooted not in hierarchy, but in trust, shared power, and mutual value. Taking these intentional steps is at the heart of creating a strong relationship with anyone, but it is also highly effective in helping couples ignore the pressures of society and see the real picture.

These couples – whether they realize it or not – are challenging the status quo. In fact, Coventry Edwards-Pitt perfectly encapsulates the idea of a partner being “a gift, not a threat.” And “when couples get engaged, their partner may be one of the first people who sees them as their best self, as the adult they are becoming,” . They stand at a crossroads: either bear the weight of outdated norms or embrace the opportunity to design a new kind of marriage – one that reflects genuine partnership. This means discarding the model of control disguised as provision , and instead building a relationship that fuels growth, not diminishes it. It means valuing childcare as the essence of legacy, domestic responsibilities as the emotional architecture of a home, and most of all, seeing that central destination as a place that restores, protects, and energizes both partners. 

This reimagining of partnership applies just as urgently to women who marry sole breadwinners or marry into wealth. These dynamics, too, must evolve –because true partnership demands it. Otherwise, you are always left with one partner feeling powerless and less significant to the relationship.

Finding a new path forward through emotional reciprocity
Claire and Daniel are at a crossroads in their marriage. They both know it’s time to address the underlying conflict, but neither has a roadmap for how to begin. They agree to engage a consultant.

During their first meeting, Claire and Daniel shared some very profound and honest thoughts and feelings. They acknowledged each other’s emotions and how that has impacted their relationship, which told the consultant that they could see the problem before them; they simply didn’t know how to address it. 

The consultant affirmed something simple yet profound: their willingness to show up for this process revealed that their relationship – and their family – was a priority. Then came a truth neither expected but both needed to hear: “Your problem is not each other. It’s the societal pressure that makes you question your roles in the relationship.”

Relief washed over them. The fear they had carried into the room – that the session would expose them as hopeless or broken – dissolved. They leaned closer to each other in their chairs, their body language subtly signaling a shift in the dynamic.

“We’re going to name and bring to light the outdated norms that have shaped how you feel,” the consultant continued. “Then we’ll rename and redefine them –together. You’ll build a roadmap based on the reality you choose, not the one imposed on you. Then, when external forces threaten to seep into your relationship, the two of you become the first line of defense. That makes each of you stronger together, and apart.” Hope stirred. A new sense of possibility began to emerge.

As Claire and Daniel leaned into the work, they discovered fractures in their foundation – hidden, unexpected, and far-reaching. Some of the breaks were subtle, others deep. What surprised them most was that these fractures had wounded them in different ways. But rather than being disheartened, they felt a kind of joy: the norms that had silently hurt them were finally being named – and that naming offered a path to healing.

References:
-- Andreasson Wallis, R. Feiner, S., Harris, J., Overbeke, K. . The Sixth Level: Capitalize On the Power of Women’s Psychology for Sustainable Leadership.
-- Edward-Pitts, C . Engaged Healthy, Wealthy, & Wise. Advantage Media Group, Forbes Books.
-- Feiner, S, Wolkowitz, R . High Performing Family Offices: Thinking About ‘Me’ as much as ‘We.’ Family Wealth Report. UK.
-- Gilmore, D D . Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity. Yale University Press.
-- Keffeler, K . HNW Family Wealth Dynamics, Who is Really in Charge. Family Wealth Report. UK
-- Kimmel, M . Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men. Harper.
-- Pew Research Center, https://pewrsr.ch/3Af1q1n
-- Speer-McGrath, B Tiger 21 Chair. Special Thanks for Advising.